


What Do You Do When Anko Pulls the Big Jugs Out

by Tasha Bee (Unseelieknight)



Category: Naruto
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-11-04 15:07:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10993407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unseelieknight/pseuds/Tasha%20Bee
Summary: Kakashi gets intoxicated and shares his feelings with the bar frequenting populace of Konoha. Unfortunate that they're also the biggest gossips in Konoha.





	What Do You Do When Anko Pulls the Big Jugs Out

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lutzaussi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lutzaussi/gifts).



> Happy birthday you glorious fucker you.

Kakashi Hatake is not a social person. But it’s been weeks since he and Gai went out, and Gai… gets a special kind of impatient. 

So if he shares any deep, unbidden feelings with Gai, it’s normal, they’re as best friends as life long rivals can get.

If the rest of their jounin peers and Tsunade’s personal lackeys join them just as he’s going to confess, it’s not a problem because he knows that much of social conduct to keep his mouth shut.

But Anko calls for the heavy liquor. He tries his best to drink little of it, but it tastes pretty good and soon his face is too warm and Anko is bemoaning Iruka’s absence and he recalls what he was gonna tell Gai in the first place. 

  
Iruka is cozy at home, finishing grading test papers, under the kotatsu while Naruto idly watches a drama on the television. 

After a peek, he decides to take a quick break, because he’s certain it’s an adaptation of Jiraiya’s novella and hearing Kakashi bemoan the differences is pretty amusing. More so when he can understand what He’s talking about.

“What’s so funny about school work,” Naruto says, after Iruka catches a funny line.

“Nothing at all, I mean they used a comma incorrectly, there’s an excessive use of the word like, and they don’t know how to spell. It’s painful.”

“Maybe you should teach better,” Naruto grins, waggling his eyebrows. 

Which only revives a flat look, “Not my fault you’re as dense as a brick.” 

“Iruka-nii!! You said I was your favourite!”

“But Sakura was the smartest in your class, she’s also my favourite for listening to my lectures.”

Naruto splutters, looking for an excuse, but only pouts and calls him a weenie, looking back to the tv with a small smile.

Iruka only grins and goes back to reading. He feels a pinch at his neck, looks to the window and frowns. He goes and draws the curtains, peeking out, he finds nothing out of the ordinary but a thick blanket of snow and heavy snowflakes still falling.

“Naruto, you better stay here tonight,” he says and ignores the laugh and the comment that they might as well file for change of residence because he’s always here anyway.

  
Kakashi wakes with a small miragine and a very sudden wave of existential dread. Not uncommon, but for this time of year, very odd.

He filters through his foggy memory of the night before, wincing when he recalls the jug Anko probably pulled out her ass and how much he had drank. 

Which explains a lot, but not the overwhelming desire to run away and become a farmer. 

So he sits there for a good hour, and contemplates why. He vaguely recalls passing by Iruka’s house, but that’s hardly a reason for this - unless, oh no, not unless Iruka had company - no, no, it was just Naruto. As usual. No need to pack your things and retire, you foolish joinin.

But it had to be about the man. Just what. 

What did he say to his peers. 

He checks his calendar, for the date and everything comes rushing back with the force of a broken dam. 

  
Now Iruka is pretty accustomed to being pulled into small nooks, comes with being being social and making his peers think he’s good for gossip. 

But he’s not used to it in a crowded, very public space. He jabs his elbow pretty hard he thinks into their gut, and isn’t surprised to catch the smell of alcohol from their gasp but is very surprised to have the assailant teleport them into his apartment. He just wanted to get lunch for Naruto and him.

  
Iruka, Kakashi decides, is not as weak as he had perceived him to be, what with the bruise he’s bound to get on his abdomen. A little ornery at the process Kakashi deemed fit to meet him, but otherwise, a good mood, which is perfect.

“I’m not apologizing for biting your hand,” Iruka starts as he sets up the table for dinner. 

“That’s fine,” he says, waving it off, ignoring the third dinner plate, trying his damndest to concentrate and focus.

After what feels like eons of silence, Iruka sighs, “what do you want anyway?”

Kakashi opens his mouth to speak, and after a moment of thought, he closes it. 

This goes on for another minute or two, weighing the pros or cons of this whole thing, until Iruka says his name just the right way that makes him go “this will be fine, Iruka loves me, he’ll do it,”

So he says it.

  
Iruka, Iruka can not believe the words coming out of the man’s mouth. 

“Be my fake date partner,” he repeats.

Kakashi nods. And the man’s posture infuriates Iruka. Slouching! That damn smile!

Iruka feels his face on fire. He pretends it’s because of the anger. Forces himself to believe that it’s because he’s angry. Because it’s true, but not the whole truth.

“why?” 

“I told the jounin that we were dating last night. It’s probably all over the village by now.”

Well.

WELL. 

“why did you say that?”

“I’ve read this scenario a dozen times. We just have to act like we’re dating for a bit and then we can break up.”

“you didn’t answer my question, Kakashi.”

  
Kakashi just stands there, silent for what feels like a millennia but what is probably just a couple seconds in Iruka time.

“So they’ll stop asking me about it.” he muster out. 

Iruka nods approvingly. 

Kakashi let’s out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

  
Iruka didn’t like that. He didn’t like any of it. Besides Kakashi, but he wasn’t about to fall at the man’s feet confessing to his stupid little crush on the man. No. Nope. He wasn’t going to agree. No amount of false hope or happiness could make him say yes.

He was going to say no, politely ask him to leave, call Naruto for dinner and forget all of it.

But he makes the mistake of looking at Kakashi.

  
“Iruka-nii,” Naruto begins, tearing his chopsticks apart not breaking his glare at Kakashi, “what is he doing here.”

Not missing a beat, Iruka goes “we’re dating.”

Kakashi feels a little hurt by that, a little content and very much amused by Naruto’s shock. 

  
Week one had Naruto and Sakura asking too many questions than they really should have.

When he told Iruka, the man just laughed at him. In his face. Spit everywhere.

“it’s like they’re checking off a matchmaking list,” Iruka said, clutching his sides, finding too much humour in it.

“well it felt very invasive and I didn’t like it.” 

“I’m sorry,” he said through a smile and kissed his cheek, “I’ll tell them to stop.”

  
Kakashi used every tactic he knew to keep him rooted and not flee to become a farmer.

  
Iruka spent the rest of the afternoon with his face flushed and regret and butterflies churning in his stomach.

  
Week four of their fake dating featured more questions about their future than anyone really would have liked. 

While Iruka kept up with his “well, we’re taking it slow,” ruse, Kakashi was spewing nonsense about their wedding date and where they’d retire.

By the end of the week, the talk of the town was the wedding of the century between the copy nin Kakashi Hatake and school teacher Iruka Umino, soon to rival the daimayo’s wedding.

Iruka had resisted the urge to kill his “fiance” five times, soon to be six if he ever shows up for dinner in the next minute. 

When he did appear, in a cloud of smoke, Iruka just about took off his ear with a knife.

“Hokage sends her congratulations, expects a grand show,” he says.

“She suspects it to crash and burn?” Iruka almost wants to cry at that.

Kakashi shrugs, “wants front row seats.”

“You’re late Kakashi-sensei!” Naruto hollers, barging into the kitchen.

“Not as late as you,” he says.

  
Iruka finds himself more in love, albeit very wary of his growing feelings.

  
Kakashi still wants to run away to the country, maybe, just maybe he’ll write to Iruka. No, no, he would have written Iruka anyway.

  
By week seven they decide they have to start sleeping in the same bed. 

Naruto walks into Iruka’s apartment one evening after a night out with his friends, happy and full of contentment. 

He pulls off his jacket and pants and dives into his bed. 

This action results in a scream and minor blood shed.

Iruka is there in an instant, catches Kakashi’s eye and Naruto’s frown, and decides he’s too young to die tonight. 

As Naruto is demanding an explanation for why his pervert teacher is in his bed, Iruka is dragging Kakashi out of the room and shoving him into his own.

“Iruka sensei!” the boy hisses and Iruka sighs. 

“We had a fight, I told him to sleep on the couch but I guess he didn’t.” and promptly closes his door.

As they listen to the moans and groans of their young pupil changing his bedsheets, they stare at each other. Some sort of war of the silent waging between them. 

Kakashi reacts first, the pressure has him crack a grin and chuckles bubble up.

Iruka’s gestures of “what the fuck dude” dissolve into full out laughter because laughter is contagious, but more so when you’re in love.

There’s a bang on the door and Naruto is telling them to stop being gross and to go to bed but it just results in more laughter.

Iruka wipes his eyes clear of tears and just smiles. 

“What?” his fake boyfriend in their fake engagement asks.

“didn’t think… oh nevermind. What side of the bed do you sleep on?”

Kakashi raises his one eyebrow at that, ever so slightly, but Iruka catches it, as he is to catch a lot of things about the man. It makes his smile turn a little sour.

Kakashi wakes a total of six times in a manner of three hours. Iruka has only woken up twice, and when Iruka sees his face, he shrugs. “I used to do this with Mizuki a lot.”

And Kakashi finds sleep impossible after that.

  
Kakashi decides he’d probably drag Iruka to the country with him, if just for the company. 

  
Iruka decides he has to call it off if he ever wants to be amicable with Kakashi again.

  
Week twelve has them planning their big breakup under the guise of training. 

While Iruka has Kakashi test out a new trap he designed with trip wire, barrier tags and glue, Kakashi shares what he thinks is the best way of going about it. He’s a reader you see, very imaginative, knows what excites people. Iruka rolls his eyes.

Iruka listens to Kakashi plot, waiting for the perfect moment to let his own plot unfold.

He almost catches him in his barrier trap, Kakashi skips out of the field, barely (and very nonchalantly) escaping a cage.

  
“Need to be quicker than that,” he hums into Iruka’s ear, dodging another swift elbow to his ribs.

“My reflexes are fine,” Iruka says, “you’re just picking on me,” with a grim smile.

As Kakashi hums in acknowledgement, Iruka vanishes in a cloud of smoke and Kakashi finds himself hanging upside down.

“Told you it would work,” Iruka saunters up to the dangling, and very much unamused man.

Kakashi hums in annoyance, frown deepening when Iruka kisses his cheek. Iruka laughs and tallies his win.

  
They walk back to Iruka’s apartment with groceries and new bruises and many three month anniversary congratulations from the villagers.

Their kids, Kakashi dubs Naruto and Sakura, join them for their evening meal, chatting about their day and what Ino did and what Hinata did, it’s very cute Iruka thinks, reminds him of when they were in his class talking about what they wanted to do.

Kakashi calls him dear and to not fret, the kids laugh, Iruka tells them Kakashi made the meal to which he gets called a liar, no way Kakashi cooked this. Iruka calls Kakashi darling and says that their brats are very rude. 

They convince their kids to clean up, and let them relax. They sit under the kotatsu, watching the drama based off Jiraiya’s works, complain about the plot inconsistency and hammy lines, Sakura tells them to stop watching it if they hate it, but sits down next to her brother regardless.

They spend the evening watching bad dramas, talk about their problems, and reminiscing about the Old Days when their kids were cute (Kakashi claims they never were cute) and it’s Good.

When they leave for the night, Iruka goes to kiss Kakashi goodnight and ask him about his work schedule, Kakashi accepts the kiss but suggests he stay the night. 

They get into bed and fall asleep, like animatronics rehearsing the steps they knew by heart. Kakashi sleeps on the window side, Iruka does not touch him.

  
Iruka wakes to a weight on his body, he assumes in a quick moment he is going to die, that his stupid crush has been found out and he’s going to suffer for it. 

The weight rises and falls with his breathing, it’s dead and it clicks that Kakashi’s arms are around his body.

He steadies his breathing, waiting for Kakashi to collect himself off of Iruka and excuse himself from Iruka’s life to save them both the shame.

But after a moment or several hours of nothing, he relaxes enough to realize the amount of trust this action needed.

Iruka might start crying for real any moment now if Kakashi doesn’t wake up and leave.

But nothing happens, no birds tap at the window for urgent jounin business, Kakashi’s killer instincts don’t kick in and Iruka doesn’t fall back to sleep. 

Instead Iruka suffocates and slips out of bed, not catching the raised brow as he hurries to the door.

  
Iruka can no longer pretend to be in love with Kakashi while he’s head over heels in love with Kakashi. He thought it would be easier, but it’s just harder and hurts more.

  
Kakashi, in the moment he feels Iruka’s warmth seep away and catches the light click of the front door close, knows he should probably figure out what’s so special about Iruka.

  
Week thirteen has the entire village placing bets. Will they or won’t they. Naruto’s fucking pissed. 

Iruka feels drained of everything, as he teaches his nosey students. 

And Kakashi feels very foolish asking Gai for advice. 

  
Week fifteen, Naruto may have started tapping into the kyuubi chakra, he looks like he might raise the village. 

Iruka is very tired but does his best to sedate his son with ramen and movie nights, but it doesn’t help much with Gai dropping in and apologising for his most youthful rival as he presents the largest bouquet of flowers Iruka has ever seen. It’s signed from Kashi in the most beautiful penmanship he’s ever laid eyes on. Couldn’t be Kakashi’s handwriting, he’s seen the illegible chicken starch that man can produce. 

Naruto peers at the whole thing. He hates it

Kakashi has been tasked with dragging Jiraiya back to town, along with his good friend Tenzou. They don’t say much, preferring silence to chatter, but when they break for tea in a little town, Tenzou tells him that honesty is the best thing to do. He should know, he’s an expert in drama.

  
Week sixteen, Iruka has decided to to try his hand at remaking the seals himself. No one bothers him or his son as they coop themselves up and work on fixing the seal. 

  
Week twenty, Kakashi arrives just as Iruka’s roof comes down.

  
He digs his fake boyfriend and his fake son out of the rubble of their fake apartment and he doesn’t think he’s been more scared in his whole life.  

There are anbu black ops. telling him to stay calm and to let them do the work, holding him back as they survey the damage, crawling around the rubble of his - his home.

He (they, the anbu ops. actually) finds them under one of Iruka’s barriers, a little startled and exhausted but otherwise peachy perfect - and Naruto’s seal has been patched.

He doesn’t think he’s been more relieved. 

  
Jiraiya inspects the seal, “this is fantastic work. Improved even,” and with his approval, the worries for the village falling the whims of the nine tailed fox are eased. The anbu visibly relax and the atmosphere breathes again.

  
Kakashi’s husband is more than capable, Jiraiya laughs.

Iruka flushes, joking along with Jiraiya, looks to Kakashi to see his smile but instead finds worry over his features. 

His own smile falters. 

Iruka makes to get away, excuses himself with the fact he needs to check in with housing and file for the destruction of his apartment, find a place to stay, and such things.

The anbu clear him to go, and he apologises to Naruto, asks his son (gods, that’s such a Kakashi thing to say, he hates it, but it feels so natural) to collect what he can salvage, and starts to leave.

Kakashi grabs his arm.

  
His instinct is to catch. He catches. 

But now all eyes are on him and Iruka, and it’s too much and damn it, he can’t talk now.

So he takes them away. To his apartment.

Inside his apartment. 

Iruka’s never been and he’s starting to feel a little wary, with what little he has in his room aside from all the plants, there’s really nothing that says he lives here, and maybe Iruka will like him less now that he knows.

“Didn’t you say your dogs took over your apartment?” Iruka says.

Kakashi stops. 

“Where are they? I was kinda excited to see them all…” Iruka starts. He looks at Kakashi, and Kakashi knows the smile on his face is forced, he’s seen it before. And damn it, it fucking hurts.

  
“F-fuck.” 

Iruka’s heart catches in his throat. 

  
“I’m in love with you Iruka.” He manages after what feels like an eternity of war with himself. Gai said he’d feel lighter, but he feels drained.

  
Iruka chokes. 

  
Kakashi jumps when he hears Iruka cough on air.

  
Iruka’s pretty sure he’s never been more happier. 

  
He’s crying and Kakashi hasn’t seen him do it - he’s always holding on, forcing his smiles onto his face. Forcing himself to carry on. Be strong in his own way.

  
“I thought,” Iruka starts, a smile on his face, “I thought I was the only one.”

  
Kakashi wipes away his tears and confirms it.

**Author's Note:**

> This will be edited more extensively later GOMEN MY DUDES FOR MY MISTAKES AND ERRORS.  
> It was 50% done on my phone while watching Mulder and Scully and Dogette question the truth - and 50% on my phone at work.


End file.
